# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
