when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
