the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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