I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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