The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
