My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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