textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
