I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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