I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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