Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
