I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
