Four minutes until I can fart!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!