i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick