You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She told me I should be a condom model.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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