My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
