He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
