you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
