my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
