Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
