I didn't shave. On purpose
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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