I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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