I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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