do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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