the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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