can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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