I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Randomize
