watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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