Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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