Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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