i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
