Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
