I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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