1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Girls should come with a carfax report
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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