Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
