Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Someone stole a lamp last night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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