woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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