I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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