I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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