at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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