The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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