I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
