My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
