Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
