I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
