I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
