Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
