worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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