I can tuck mytits in my pants
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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