dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
