I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
