Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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