why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
