I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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