she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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